Mum, where do babies come from? Asked Naomi. Naomi is a 3 year old whose best friend just had a younger sibling and she wanted to know how the sibling came? Naomi’s mum was shocked that her 3 year old daughter was asking this question and because she was caught off guard and unprepared for the talk, she came up with an interesting narrative to dodge the question she told her the baby came from heaven!

Well played right?

No, not well played, totally wrong.

We are supposed to have the sex talk with our children at one point or the other, so why not start early? There’s no age bracket when it comes to exposure to sex especially in this millennial and the best thing we can do for ourselves is make hay while the sun rises, so we don’t end up with had I known. 

A lot of us still do this when it comes to having the sex talk with our children; dodge, avoid or find a weird narrative. Many of us still struggle with discussing body parts with our kids and I am not an exception.

As y’all know by now I am a strong advocate against sexual abuse and rape and guess what??

I still struggled with having the talk with my own daughter.

Yes I struggled hands up in the air, well it’s now a thing of the past because I did it eventually.

No body is going to do it for me, you have to do it yourself. Allowing others institutions do it for you, most of the time doesn’t end well.

I remember telling my husband that we needed to have the talk with our daughter  when she turned 4, and he looked at me and said  babe,  you are the expert in this, you should do it not me. I guess he just couldn’t face it too.

My people uhmm, I refused. I am not proud of it but that was my initial reaction because I was in denial, afraid and unsure. Is somebody confirming their own feeling? Yes we all feel that way sometimes. For days, we were having back and forth discussions between the two of us because we were unable to decide who should do it. It was so frustrating and I just couldn’t do it. On several occasions I would call me daughter, hold her little hands in mine and I would be just become tongue tied… I would just blank off. I just couldn’t face telling her that there are crazy people in this world and she needs to know and understand that she needs to protect herself. I just couldn’t shake that feeling off. She is a child, How do I do this. 

So I researched and found a book and that book actually gave me some courage and biblical principles as to having that conversation with her. The title of the book is “7 Lessons to introduce your child to biblical sexuality” and it is written by Luke Gilkerson. (This is not a paid ad)  Just in case you need it click 👉🏽 here

As soon as a child is talking, like talking ad you can proper conversations with them, Have that talk, better early than late.

I stumbled on a thread on twitter recently, where a lady came online to talk about how she went to a Domino’s pizza place in Lagos, Nigeria with her daughter and apparently a guy was asking her 10 year old daughter for her number. Her daughter then came to tell her mummy, that this person is asking for my number, a total stranger that you don’t know. Obviously the guy is a pedophile else why are you asking a 10year old for her number and why do you want to call her? That’s how grooming starts isn’t it?  

Anyways, one thing that struck me about that whole incident is this: the fact that the daughter was able and confident enough to tell her mum what was going on was very  very impressive. For that, I give thumbs up  to both mu and daughter.

That is the kind of relationship I am building with my daughter. Now, I am assuming that the mother is doing something right because if not, her daughter wouldn’t have told her that a guy wanted her number. That is the kind of relationship you want to have with you children. Your children should be able to tell you that this person touched me, that person did this to me. They should not be afraid, they should not be scared. They should be confident enough to have these kinds of conversation with their parent.

It reduces their chances of falling prey to pedophiles because they know what to do if at all they find themselves in an awkward situation.

Here is a few tips.

1. Let them know that the private part is actually private and it’s not allowed for anybody to touch, except for Mummy and Daddy when we are bathing or helping out with toileting. Also, name the private parts appropriately: call a penis, a penis and a vagina, a vagina don’t nickname them. it is important to know that children are very open minded and they are very transparent and honest beings. they take words literally. They don’t understand metaphors so you need to be open and very honest with your child.
2. Teach them about boundaries what it means and let them know that they have boundaries over their own bodies and other people’s bodies. They are not allowed to touch people inappropriately, Hence people are not allowed to touch them inappropriately as well. Before you tap or touch people ask them if it’s okay to do so. There has to be clear boundaries in place for what to touch, where to touch and how to do it.
3. They need to understand that not everybody is allowed to carry them in a certain way for example sitting on other people’s laps, they need to understand that the only people allowed to put them on their laps are mummy, daddy, grandparents. If anyone else is doing that they need to speak to Mummy and Daddy about it.
4. They need to also know that in your family, there are no secrets, we all have to be open and honest with our feelings and with each other. Secrets are not allowed, Mummy and Daddy has to know everything.
5. Teach them self-confidence consistently reiterating that they are smart, intelligent, confident and beautiful. Although I don’t tend to use the word beautiful all the time so my children are not too conscious of their physical looks hence forgetting their intellectual and other abilities and attributes.
6. As your child grows older, teach them to know that if they find themselves in awkward situations knowing what to do is key. A little bit of karate is good,  at a certain age they can keep pepper spray in their bags.
7. Teach them not to talk to strangers or take things from strangers
8. SleepOvers, Uhmmmmmmmmmm it is a tricky one right. I don’t want to say no and I don’t want to say an outright yes.  could right a whole blog post about sleep overs but in the mean time I would say be safe. If you have had the talk with your child, and have put enough safety measures in place,  there is nothing wrong with sleep overs. As a parent go with gut feeling, and just be safe. If you are bot sure don’t  do it. If you are having to ask too many questions don’t do it.
9. Lastly parents at some point as the kids grow up we also need to keep our private areas private, don’t undress or dress up when the kids are present especially when they have started talking. It means it’s time to keep things private as well from our part. Stop it, it’s not healthy for the minds.

It is important to Teach our children that the world is not all colourful and beautiful but also that bad people do exist

There is never a right or wrong way to do it and saying it does not automatically protect your child against pedophiles. However, it empowers them on how to be bold, confident and basically reduces their risk level to minimal. If you are in a public place, pay prompt attention to what they are doing. Try not to lose sight of them at any time.  I know it sounds hard but it is safe.

Also, if your child has been sexually abused don’t keep quiet about it. Do not sweep it under the rug. Seek help, because you both need to heal. One of the reasons for this is because as a parent, if your child has been sexually abused under your watch, you feel like a failure. But truth be told you are not a failure neither is that problem your fault. Somebody has committed a grave crime against your child, take responsibility and get help for both yourself and your child.

It is okay to be paranoid, sometimes, it just means that you are safe. Always go with your gut feeling, 99percent of the time it is right.

Abused people also abuse others! 

Until I come your next time, Stay safe.

Blessings always.

IfeOluwa xx