Help!

“My best friend got raped and I don’t know what to do. How can I help her..

These and many more are the questions that get thrown at me and I see alot of people try to give support to sexual violence victims but are doing it the wrong way.

So this post was birthed out of genuine concern and the need to arise to the occasion if you ever find yourself in such a situation.

I remember when I was raped at 12 by a neighbour! I wished I could confide in somebody, although,  I don’t think I would have had the guts to tell them but the idea of having someone in my corner sounded good for me at the time.

However, since I came out with my story and started the campaign against sexual violence and rape, people send me emails or dm me about their own stories telling me stuffs that they have never told anyone before.

I am indeed grateful for this privilege, to be able to serve and hold people’s hands when they go through their darkest moments, helping people to heal through these horrible experiences is indeed an honour and I take it really seriously.

Pic Credit:- Pinterest

The golden question which I will answer through this post is

‘Help my friend has just been raped, how can I help’

I would be highlighting a few things that you can do if you ever find yourself in such a situation.

Besides encouraging them to go to the hospital to get a rape kit and also get prophylaxis treatment against unwanted pregnancy and STD’s there are also a few Do’s and Don’ts.

Here is what you can Do…

1.  Be there for them: ask them how they want you to help them with a show of genuine concern not in a dismissive and insensitive manner.
2. Listen to them,  give them the option of choosing how they want to be helped.
3. Don’t be too much in their face, subtly check in on them however give them time to grieve alone.
4. Let them cry if that’s what they want to do. they might just want to cry and be vulnerable so allow them let out their emotions .
5.  Validate their feelings and make sure you reassure them over and over and over again. Also, let them know that what has happened is not their fault. Constantly reassure with positive words.
6. If and whenever they are ready to speak to a professional about what has happened to them offer them a lift or offer to be a companion to go with them.

Now Here is what you Do not do……

1. Don’t ever and ever blame a survivor. Saying things like oh why did you walk alone in the dark, why did you dress so flimsily, why did you do this and whatnot is a NO NO NO NO……….. Don’t ever blame a survivor of rape. regardless of the situation they did not asked to be raped and it is not their fault.
2. Don’t ask them for details, if and whenever they are ready they will let you in. Don’t press for too much. They have confided in you already that in itself is a big step. Allowing a survivor to describe the gory details of rape is a very horrible experience don’t allow them to relieve those details, when they are ready they will let you into that world but in the meantime don’t push it.
3.  Don’t try to control the situation, allow them make decisions in regards to their own healing journey, some people heal faster than others, its a journey and it takes time.
4. Don’t excuse the abuse or the situation. Don’t trivialise it. Don’t tell them to forget it and move on. It is a NO NO NO. If you don’t know what to say say nothing.

Overall, somebody confiding in you is a really big deal, don’t make light of it. You need to treat that situation with utmost confidentiality and respect.

It is a big deal, treat it as such. Don’t let them feel like they made a mistake coming to you. No judgements and no blame games. The more trust is broken, the more difficult it is to heal and the more damaging it is to the mind. Most survivors don’t say anything to anyone out of fear of what people might say or how people might perceive them. Don’t be a part of that percentage of people.

Let’s make the world  a better place by supporting survivors of sexual abuse and rape.

So there you have it. If your friend ever comes to you about their rape experience, you don’t need a PhD in psychology to help them, you just need to be there and be useful.

I am a survivor and stand with all survivors.

💜

IfeOluwa.