I am dedicating this post to every victim/survivor of sexual violence out there… you are loved remember regardless of whats going on in your life, he loves you and you are not alone.

Sharing this story is probably one of the hardest things I will ever have to do on my journey as a survivor, but somebody needs to hear it.

I gradually grew up into this young attractive, fair skinned, curves in the right places, kinda girl whose skin tone would light up the place from a mile away. It’s safe to say I’m a pretty girl no pun intended lol..

I did get a loads of attention from men, all sorts, different shades and sizes name it, It wasn’t funny at all initially but I grew into enjoying the chase and the gifts that came with the attention, but in the real sense of it everyone just wanted a slice of the attractive curvy girl next door which I was aware of and I constantly beat them to their own game.

I hated my curves because it got me into trouble a lot, I wanted to look like my friends straight as a stick, they had less troubles I assume at the time.

By the time I reached the age of 18 I had been sexually abused numerous times lets say 3 times the last one was a group of 6 men all at once… Yes don’t cry its okay I’m over it now.

I had commitment issues, I wouldn’t even commit to anyone because it was lies, we all know, Every time someone catches my fancy I talk myself out of it, I hardly let people in, because it’s hardest thing to do so I compensate for it by being funny, witty and being outgoing so I don’t come across as this sad child… that I really was.

I decided to have a boyfriend… I was 18..

It lasted maybe 4months, It was all fun and cosy initially. Nothing was really defined you know those relationships you enter into without even realising it. We went further in and deeper in, we started being intimate.

My very first attempt at consensual sex…

Sighs….

It started as a rumour so I thought, every corner I turned people looked at me with questionable eyes and I wasn’t sure what was going on. No one said anything, I was suspended from singing with my uni choir I wasn’t even sure why?
Some of my closest friends started avoiding me, it still didn’t stick.

Until one day my school daddy called me up on the phone, we all had one didn’t we, Someone older who just looks out for you ..lol. Anyways He called me and said we needed to talk, I said okay I’m all ears shoot.

I would never forget that day, its still sticks to my memory somethings you never forget eh.

He said “there is a terrible video of you and your so called boyfriend circling around Uni”  In what we call a sex tape nowadays.

What????? I screamed…. I said no way you are lying.. Did you see one.. He called my name and paused for a moment, He said unfortunately I did because I needed to be sure it was true before calling you, I know who has it and who spread it.

He later on went on to describe the clothes I had on and everything in details just to convince me thats its true.

Yes He wasn’t lying it was true I did have the clothes he described on the last time I was at my boyfriend’s place…

He said and I quote “You need to stop seeing this guy, this relationship is a disaster, He said”…

Those words I would never forget, Don’t ask me for the rest of the story, You will read about it in my memoirs someday as it didn’t end there, so much more happened later on…

Anyways, tears filled my eyes, I shook, I felt like the ground should swallow me up and I didn’t want to exist. I felt used, I felt pain, i was tired, tired of trying, tired of living. I left that conversation and I wanting to jump in the front of a moving truck, I felt numb and paranoid…

I was convinced something was wrong with me.

My very first attempt at consensual sex and this happened….

I remembered that night like it was yesterday,  I stood in the heavy torrentious rain for 2 hours and I cried like a child..

I replayed my life over and over and over and over, and I was convinced that something is definitely wrong with my existence….

I am good at keeping secrets, I have mastered it since I was a young child, at the age of 18 of course I have become a pro…

Bear in mind I grew up in church I had finished the whole bible before I hit the age of 8, so tell me about the bible I know it inside out in words though not in the depth of it. I loved reading I had started reading Mills and Boons at the young age of 9, Hints and hearts (Naija peeps) I’m sure you know this lol… I loved reading.

I was going to church, playing religion, trying to look all cool and all but deep down there, I was sad, lonely, broken, guilt ridden, ashamed,  name all the negative emotions available, I was all that.

I knew something was broken in me but I couldn’t figure it out and I couldn’t fix me, every time I tried I failed.

To even make matters worse, Every time I heard the gist, people blamed me for a crime that was committed against me, no one ever mentioned the guy who filmed me or the guy who gave them access to film us. (I hope they’ve genuinely found God though). My name was on every lip……. My name, my name, my name..

I became paranoid and very selfish thereby hurting the people who genuinely loved me, always hurtful and bitter, masked myself, living life on two sides…

What point am I trying to make with this story?

For many years I lived in fear, all sorts of fear, fear of finding love, fear of not being good enough for anyone but most importantly fear of death, why?

Let me remind you, every time I was sexually assaulted before then I never visited the hospital to get checked out, I was naive and I didn’t get help..

At some point I was sure I was carrying all sorts of sexual related diseases especially HIV/AIDS. I didn’t want to know, I didn’t want to confirm my worst fear.
Every time I had a cold sore, or a rash I would be so sure it was my HIV symptom showing up.
Years later, I braced up and decided to get myself tested, I sneaked off to a clinic as usual I’m used to sneaking around by now you know.  I remember how I got so tearful and fearful on the day I decided to get myself tested, it came back negative.  I remember walking out of that clinic and I heard a voice in my head saying don’t be so relieved mistakes happen, these clinics, bloods get swapped, results get missing, Don’t be so sure.. the worst isn’t over yet, you think you are negative on paper but no you are not, again fear gripped me.

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I never had a sexually transmitted disease, not even a thrush….

Abba was with me the whole time, He was walking with me, never left my side, shared my pain, my shame, my guilt, my tears, and sheltered me. He had always been my shepherd I lacked nothing, just didn’t understand it. He showed me love in it’s purest form. I too realised I could be naked before him without being judged, I realised I could tell him anything, I could cry and let out my anger and frustration with him, I realised I could be honest with him, something I ever never experienced before.

He made me lie down beside still waters, he restored my soul, Even when I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I did fear evil but he sheltered me, His rod and His staff comforted me, He prepared a table before me right in the presence of my enemies, didn’t even know… Even when goodness and mercies was following didn’t realise it.

He protected me from all harm, danger and thereby preparing me for such a time like this. Until I started to live in His promises, until I discovered purpose the reason why he kept me, why he was grooming and why He sheltered me.

I was able to stop living in fear, I confronted my worst fears, I stopped living life on the edge… I am not there yet, but chai I have come a really long way..
I shut out the noises, I started allowed the spirit of God take hold of my life, I sought both spiritual and psychological counsel. I knew if I wanted be whole and speak my truth I needed to be whole, I needed to be healed. God sent a good man my way.. my story isn’t complete one without him being in it… He was and still my HOSEA… (Story for another day) Y’all should buy memoir when its out.

God was prepping me for something which is larger than myself, If I am ever going to fulfil this larger than myself purpose, I couldn’t continue to be this broken, hurtful, spiteful and bitter person that I have unknowingly become

I have once been on that road, it is lonely, painful, shameful and could kill if you don’t get help..

All the devil ever wants to do is to steal, kill and destroy you, but He gave his son for just one reason to give life and not just any kind of life but a life that is full and good.

Don’t go through life alone, Go through it with God and trusted company.
He’s waiting for you with open arms, In your darkest moments He is there to catch you.
I am no more that fearful, depressed, suicidal little girl… I am a beautiful woman, living and walking in the light of Abba, loving life each day and embracing new opportunities.
Am I perfect? No I still make mistakes, but I strive to be better, learning every time I fall, one thing I am ever sure of is His undeniable love for me. He loves me even more than I love myself.

He is the only one who can and will show you love in it’s purest form.

He wants to walk with you.
You aren’t alone, walk with me. Send me an email, I will pray with you and support you every step of the way.

Please don’t be like me get tested early you deserve to know so you can get the necessary treatment there’s help available only if you ask for it. I can point you in the right direction. I can help you get the help you need, but only and only if you ask for it. Don’t leave it till too late. Get help today, Please.

To every Broken heart- I pray Peace
To every Abused soul- I pray restoration
To every broken spirit- I pray for wholeness
To every person who has lost hope- I pray for perseverance
To every depressed mind- I pray healing
To every battered Body- I pray healing and the will to forgive
To every troubled heart- I pray for a divine intervention
To every crooked Path- I pray for smoothness
To every darkened Soul- I pray for Light.
To every grieving Mind-I pray for comfort.
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A special Valentine’s shout out to all Victims/Survivors of sexual violence. I love you and I am rooting for you.

Until I come your way I am IfeOluwa and I love you to bits💝💜

Ps. I am embarking on “The Survivor’s Walk” Our very first Outreach on the 27th of March 2018. I will be walking 10km to raise awareness in a village called Asa  In Iwo Osun state Nigeria. We will be doing free Chlamydia testing for young girls who might have experienced sexual violence, we will also be giving out free sanitary towels. Until sexual abuse is brought to its barest minimum, I won’t stop.