Hey y’all

Its your girl here, and today we are talking about Sex. Oh yes SEX!

Calm down I haven’t lost the plot, I am just putting things into perspective and talk about something we all do or wish to do but do not like to talk about…

PS……..This post is for grown and married folks only lol…😎

If you are a survivor and you are married and are struggling with your sex life, this post is written specially for YOU.

Let’s get to this, what has happened has happened, Why should you let your past get in the way of you enjoying your sex life.

I have had a few people chat me up and tell me, I was abused and in my marriage now I find it difficult to enjoy sex. I don’t get orgasm, I don’t feel interested E.T.C.

Two major things happen to your sex drive when you have been sexually abused: you either overdo sex or you don’t like it at all.

Now, neither is healthy and this is why: when you condition your mind to see sex as a physical activity or as an escape from dealing with your real issues, you don’t have a filter, you would sleep with any Tom, Dick and Harry that comes along and that my friend is not healthy.

On the other hand  when you see sex as a cause of pain and shame, you lose interest in it, therefore you will never enjoy it no matter how hard the other party tries unfortunately it is not your fault However, you cannot always control what happens to you but you have the power to change how it it affects you.

Sex is to be enjoyed not endured or tolerated.

I did a little research about prostitutes and I came to realise one thing, prostitutes don’t enjoy sex.

It is merely a physical activity. They do it for the money, it is an hobby, a sport, a vocation and a means of survival for them. Just like a lot of folks don’t enjoy their day to day jobs, they just do it for the money.

Now when I dug further I realised that 95 percent of folks who engage in Prostitution have been sexually abused as a child or as a young adult or even as an adult. I am not saying that is the main reason why they do it, I am simply saying it is a factor for making them engage in sex without feeling anything.

Now when God placed those sex organs in the human body, he put them there so we can procreate and also for our pleasure. It is not to be overused or underused. God wants us to enjoy sex hence the complimentary hormones and satisfying pleasures that comes before, during and after sex.

I know of someone who was sexually abused as a child.

Growing up, she does not like to be touched at all. She will not hug even her best friends, the least she can do is probably a handshake and even that you must be really good friends with her be it male or female, If you touch her she will bite your head off. For a long time, she didn’t even realise how much damage that was doing to her image and relationships, until when she grew older.

In the end, she realised that the abuse she suffered as a child has shaped her into who she is now, she faced her problem, she faced her fear, she forgave herself, she saw herself a woman who deserves to be loved and cared for, she found her voice, sought help and now, she is fine. Now she hugs and shake hands with people which is something she never does before. She was able to move past her past and now she is better for it.

Imagine someone who doesn’t like to be touched at all, how is she gonna have sex tell me how?

Imagine her getting married during that phase of her life, it would have been a disaster.

Most people get into relationships without dealing with her emotions and their past, hence why we have loads of derailed and broken relationships today.

God wants you to reach orgasm, Hence why he put those hormones and sex organs in our bodies, He desires for you to have very good sex. Good sex is healthy for the mind (For Married Folks only I repeat, married folks only).

Here is a few tips that I have come up with…

• FORGIVE YOURSELF!

I probably have said this a million and one times in my many blogs, but here it is again forgive yourself.

When you forgive yourself you are getting rid of the toxins that have engulfed your mind for years. You are getting rid of all the bitterness and you will be able to see yourself in the image that God Himself has of you. The image He created, not the image that the devil wants you to have or see.

A beautiful, priceless, pure, Intelligent and Amazing Human being who deserves to be loved and cared for.

When you forgive yourself, you are redeeming yourself, you are taking advantage of the precious blood of Jesus that was shed on your behalf more than 2000 years ago. You are looking the devil in the eye saying, get away from me, you are holding your own destiny in your hands, you are taking control of your life and taking back what the devil has stolen from you.

• FORGIVE YOUR ABUSERS!

I know this is a gray area for most people, it is not popular but I will say it.

When you forgive your abusers, it doesn’t mean you are excusing them or what they have done to you, it just means that you are letting go of all the anger and bitterness and releasing yourself from all the baggage and bondage that they have put you in.

I remember in the early years of my marriage, this is really personal but sometimes I think sharing things from my own personal experiences also puts things in perspective just so you know I am not making things up and that these issues are real and I have been through it as well.

Whenever I have sex all I see are the faces of people who have abused me in the past, and I just hated having sex. I would moan and pretend like I enjoyed it, but the reality is, I would rather masturbate and reach orgasm than participate in the real thing.

Until I dealt with my past, every time I had sex it was excruciatingly painful. When people talk about how beautiful sex is and how reaching orgasm is the most amazing thing in the world, I used to look at them like what are these people talking about… Is it the same sex the I engage in. It had nothing to do with my partner, it was ME. 

Forgiving people isn’t about them, its about YOU.

Put this in mind, when you forgive, you are letting go, you are embracing the higher road, you will enjoy the goodies of life more, you will stop seeing the faces of the people who have abused you when you are engaging in sex with your spouse and you will enjoy ORGASM

Orgasm is truly a beautiful thing. It is God’s gift to humanity.

Your spouse shouldn’t be dealing with your baggages, you were not meant to carry those baggages into your marriage in the first place, that is why before get married or start a relationship with someone else, it is key and important to deal with these issues. Don’t introduce someone else into that life, do not make them suffer for something they knew nothing about.

Forgiveness brings a breath of fresh air it brings purity, it is a sign of new beginnings, a sign of new life and a sign of open heavens. Embrace it.

• FIND YOUR A-SPORT!

You have forgiven, moved on but you still don’t enjoy sex right, remember It is not a walk in the park, you have lived like this for years you won’t just start enjoying sex boom!!!!  in one day, it doesn’t work like that. This takes time and intentional work to achieve.

All you need to do is find what works for you, and this means having a honest sit down with your partner, telling them how you genuinely feel about having sex and allowing them to work with you on how to find your MOJO.

Finding your A-sprot can be tasking but if you are patient enough, you will find it. Attend sex classes, they are available (don’t ask me where) but they are around.  You have to put in the work, It is like every other thing you do, practise makes perfect, make changes switch things up a notch, come out clean, stop hiding, stop running…. be intentional.

Good things don’t come easy but you deserve it.

• SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!

From my little findings as well, most of the time, partners are aware and they want to help, but because

they have been pushed away too many times so they just pull back, don’t want to get involved because they don’t want to open wounds.

I am a registered nurse hence I know about wounds and dressings and their healing processes.

There are different types of wounds and there are different ways to deal with them so they can heal.

Ever wound will come in contact is unique hence would require a unique approach.

Some wounds you have to open it up, debride it, wash it, before you dress it. That is the only way it can heal.

Now whilst you are debriding and washing it, it is extremely painful, but for the wound to heal it has to go through that process.

Sometimes for you to heal, you need to open up old wounds, debride, wash it, comb it, let out your anger, smash the wall, scream, yell, before you can heal.

Communication is key, have a honest sit down with your partner, discuss your sexual issues and allow them to help you. There is nothing to be ashamed of anymore, your shame has been taken away by the precious blood of the lamb, It is gone, Let go and Let GOD.

God has put medicine in place for us for our use so take advantage of it.

Get sex counselling or therapy. I know people whom have sought sex counselling in the past and it has totally worked for them.

To my single ladies out there who have ruined good relationships because they could not deal with their past, there is always a second a chance, you are a survivor for a reason. You survived! so you deserve to live in full.

So while you wait, clean up house, focus on your healing journey, walk through your pain,  deal,  deal and deal with it.

Be happy, Stay Happy.

Be Free, Stay Free.

When that good man comes along, let him meet a woman who is ready to take on the world not a broken and helpless woman.

I hope this blog post has helped, you deserve to be loved don’t sell yourself short.

Enjoy your sex life😎